THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS ARE NOT THINGS

days with my father by phillip toledano (click on it.)
it touched my heart in so many different ways i cannot explain... it moved me and instantaneously i thought of my grandfather, my father and in all irony, san. what would it be like if we were to grow old together and that i left first? would he quietly sit on his couch and write notes about me so he would not forget? so many things i thought about. not to mention, mad pictures. i cannot deny that.

on another note, i guess san and i are starting to get better. i thought to myself long and hard as i sat at the corner of my bed, why are we like this again? and it all boils down to one thing, we both forgot that the most important things are not things. the most important "thing" is to always leave a space, no matter how small it is, for flaws. we were so caught up in our own useless mindset and what we want to fulfill only for our individual self that we forgot what we both, as a couple, truly wants in the future. dismissing all these from mind is a reckless thing to do. we really need to get on with our 2nd journal because all the pages are still fresh :-(

i have decided to delete the previous posts. i also chose not to publish a few crude comments that i have received from anonymous readers. for one, i admit it is partly my fault to publish such a delicate matter but i do have my reasons. after all, this is my personal space and if you don't like what you are reading, the weight of your decision was never mine to hold. tell me, are there any relationships out there, no matter how robust it is, that are spared from some bumps along the ride of lurvvve hmm?

to vic, i know you are not god and i am fine if you are no longer as free. with a job coming your way soon, i understand your need to re-schedule your time with everything. i'm sorry if i suffocated you. i meant well. hope you enjoy at work, seems like fun! ily. x

IMPAIRMENT OF MEMORY

so many people telling me one way, so many people telling me to stay
never had time to have my mind made up, caught in a motion that i don't want to stop

need something to numb this feeling of... void. of inadequacy. of confusion and of reoccurring heartaches that was not supposed to take place or was it? if only my heart was made up of a gazillion calluses. i have done whatever i could. sacrificed so many things, lost the many people that meant so much to me and became a whole new and improved sha. what more do you want? korek my hati and put it in a ziploc bag? i need something that is effortless yet strong enough to immobilize my train of thoughts. i wish it was amnesia.

no one told me that turning nineteen would suck this much. there are a lot more than that that is going on right now. i just did not know where to start and picked the one that is hurting the most (what's new right....). why are you treating me like this, november?

LIFE IS AN OCEAN, BUT I AM LOST AT SEA

yesterday my brother had a relapse again in the morning and i have not yet slept since then. i went ahead for work today. body was there, my mind definitely lost somewhere else. i felt so disorientated. now i just realised that i left my phone charger at the shophouse... nicely done. i am going to bed early today, work starts at 9am tomorrow. hopefully my big boy is going to pick me up straight after. and i'm really sorry girls, i am positively sure that i would not be joining all of you at dbl o tomorrow evening.
my body is going on a strike. truth is, i have not recovered since last friday. maybe next week okay? gooooodnight kitties! x

PUT THE STARS IN OUR EYES

Δ everyday is a surprise. what luck is this to wake up and he'd be there and surprises of mood, of depth, shifting. i never know what might happen. all quiet before the storm. in admission of my own flaws. i am never bored. i always know why i am there. i wake up and i am lucky. since we got together, my heart kinda stops everytime i read/hear his name. even if the the text isn't referring to him or coming from the lips of a stranger while on the bus. the smallest of butterfly wings, folding, to muffle any unexpected excitement. from the first time i met him, i was so eager, being just eager is an understatement, tummy churning. i was late. my eyes sieved through the crowd and when our eyes met, 2 metres apart, i thought to myself, hi or hello? hug or shake hands? 15 months later, today, i still cannot even explain how good it feels to look up across a room and see him standing there. happy 15th my dear boy :>